What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:49
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
How do I find a transgender girlfriend?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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What did i know ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What is the most interesting question you can ask to get to know someone?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
All the time i was locked up.
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot live in the past .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So, i spoilt her more .
So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im still living with it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Would this be the day?
I will be 64.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was 9 years of age.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Comes on , in middle age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was very sick at this time too.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i lived it daily.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it wasn’t much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
I have no regrets .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was in good health!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I said to her
I think the readers, may guess!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I don,t even have a pension.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.